It's Called Rejection, Sweetheart
by ocicat
Summary: Edward decides that he liked living girls. There ensues a bitchfest. Read and review. A one shot, No longer!
1. Chapter 1

**I wrote this originally with a purple pen. It was awesome.**

**I do not own any of Twilight, If I did, I'd be suing Stephenie Meyere, like that girl with the Breaking-Dawn-read-alike.**

**Setting: Outside of the Cullen abode post Breaking Dawn.**

Bella made her way toward the washing line, reveling in her new vampiric co-ordination- she actually got places now, places other than the nearest medical room. She leapt expertly over a twig and approached the washing line where, she was surprised to find, Edward was leaning. Surprised because

A) He had, no fault of his own, been brought up in the early 20th century, before feminism, and considered washing and other household chores 'women's work.'

B ) He was supposed to be leaving on a hunting trip with Carlisle, Emmett and Jasper in ten minutes.

Bella stopped walking, put the washing basket down next to the line and sprinted towards Edward, kissing him passionately on the lips. He kissed her gently back, hesitantly almost, then pushed her away from him with more force than he would have used when she was alive. Then again, she wasn't as breakable anymore.

'Hi, baby,' Bella said, and began hanging up the family's underwear. Edward smiled halfheartedly and bit his lower lip thoughtfully. He opened his mouth, closed it, then began speaking in a rushed tone, his eyes watching his shoes as he did;

'Ihavesomethingtotellyou,' he said.

Bella replied with a 'shoot,' and pegged one of Emmett's boxer-briefs.

'Well,' Edward began, awkwardly, 'I kind of… I don't know how to… I mean, really-'

Bella interrupted with an encouraging, 'Come on honey, you can do it!' as though he was a child attempting to spell 'clueless.'

Edward breathed in deeply and began again.

'Alright Bella, I ah, I have a fetish for, ah, live girls?'

Edward said as a question, waiting to gauge her response. Sure enough, it was as contextually and intellectually vapid as he had expected.

'That's why you fell in love with me, right?'

Edward ran his hand through his hair nervously.

'Ah, yeah, but-'

'And I was special enough for you to love me after my technical death. That is so roman-'

'See, that's the thing. After a girl dies they come, become, kind of… dead to me.'

Bella stopped hanging up one Esme's bras, surprise registering on her undead face, and whispered, 'I'm _dead _to you?' in a voice on the verge of tears. If Meyerpires can cry, that is. Edward looked up from his shoes and bit his lower lip again.

'Well… yes.'

Bella stared at Edward for a second, wide eyed, before blinking and smiling at him.

'Oh… I get it,' she laughed, 'you're _joking!_'

Edward swallowed.

'Ha, ah ha ha. No. I don't actually love you anymore.'

Bella stopped laughing.

'Ah ha ha?' Edward tried, hoping that Bella would stop staring at him like that.

'But, but… what about the baby?' She cried.

'Oh, yeah, I love my kid. It's just… you. You don't turn me on anymore. In fact, I was watching porn the other day, and you came into the room… you turn me _off._'

Bella threw Esme's bra at him.

'But I'm the love of your _life!' _She shouted. Edward smiled at that.

'No, see, you got that wrong,' he said, not raising his voice to match Bella's. 'You're the love of _your _life. As in, I loved when you were living, but now? Dead chicks ain't my thang.'

He smiled sympathetically at Bella, who was in a world of pain.

'But… how do you even _know_? _I'm _the first girl you ever loved!'

Edwards eyes widened in shock.

'Oh my god, you _believed _that? Even after that night on the Isle of Esme? You thought I was _this _sexy, _this _charming, _this _rich, _this _emotionally tortured and a 107 year old virgin? You have less brain cells than Emmett's pet rat's flea's.'

'I, what, you… you lied?! WHY?!'

'The lengths some guys will go to to get into a girl's pants are extreme.'

Bella stared at him in something akin to horror, then screamed,

'You could've given me an STI!'

Edward finally lost his control, yelling back,

'Well YOU could've taken birth control pills!'

'I thought you're sperm was dead! _You _could've used a condom!'

'I thought YOU were infertile!'

Bella paused, one finger in the air accusingly;

'What?'

Edward smirked, 'Well, you looked pretty barren to me.'

Bella threw the washing basket at him, resuming her screaming as she did so.

'If you hate me so much, why did you almost commit suicide when you thought I was dead?!'

Edward looked blank for a second, as if he found it hard to recall a time when he would go to such lengths for the girl standing in front of him. This blankness made him look like an underwear rack –he was covered in other people's 'smalls'. Eventually, jumping forward and causing the underwear on him to fly about, he shouted, 'I was infatuated! I loved you!'

'But you don't love me anymore?'

'No!' Edward said, somewhat defensively. 'I'm _not _a necrophiliac!'

'But you're dead!'

'I am! But chicks with pulses turn me on, not ones who don't breathe!'

'So what!'

'So… I'm dumping you!'

Bella squinted in confusion, as though this had not been the logical affect of the conversation. She racked her brain for a reason why this dumping was unadvisable.

'You can't dump me! I'm your _wife._' She said.

Edward snapped his fingers at her in triumph- he had this base covered.

'Not really,' he said. 'Not legally!'

Bella was outraged. 'What the _fuck _do you mean?'

'Have you ever read out marital document? Did you think I would really marry you eternity?'

'WHAT?'

'Unless I'm mistaken, which I _never _am, the fact that I signed my name El Edwardio Sexyface Awwyeahbaby voids our marriage!'

'So you're leaving me?' Bella asked, somewhat unnecessarily.

'Damn straight, woman,' Edward replied.

'Because I'm dead?' Bella wanted confirmation that she had, indeed, understood the conversation.

'Yep.'

Bella started hyperventilating. She knew handcuffs couldn't make him stay, not even the furry pink ones, so…

'I can change!' She cried.

Edward frowned. 'What? No you can't.'

'Yes, I can! I can get a pacemaker and-'

Edward interrupted her insanity;

'It would make no difference,' he said. 'You're still _not right._'

Bella face crumpled, rather hideously.

'I, uh, what do you _mean?_' She implored. Love that word, it's like explored, but im. _Anyway_.

Edward took a deep breath, because he was about to say something he had been yearning to for ages.

'I _mean _you're _fucked up!' _He yelled. Which really summarized his next words anyway.

'I don't usually tell girls I am a vampire, but you found out, and you thought it was _fantastic. _That's just stupid. You go off to get yourself killed by James. You jump off a cliff because you hear a VOICE IN YOUR HEAD! You befriend a werewolf who thinks that T-shirts are an inessential part of society. You hate snow, and your only endearing quality, the fact that you trip over your own feet, is now gone, and YOU NAMED OUR CHILD _**RENESME**_!

'So, yes, I'm leaving you. And if you'll ex_cuse _me, I have some lions to go drain the life out of.'

Bella, who had been silent throughout Edward's rant, now spoke up.

'I, you, you can't!' Very eloquently. Ha.

Edward, who thought he had made himself quite clear that he could, in fact, leave her, and was in the process of doing so, pointed away from the house, towards the road.

'Oh, I can,' he said. 'I _so _can. Now GET OFF MY LAND!'

'FINE!' Bella was enraged. 'You know that lopsided smile you have? Of course you do, you probably practice it in the mirror for hours. Well, it looks like some crazy doctor attacked you with botox but only got half your face!'

Aww, yeah, bitchfest goin' on.

'Yeah? You know that true love you had? He just left you for _the entirety of female society!_' Edward cocked his head to the side and raised his eyebrows.

'Ooh, burn, baby, buuurn!' He said.

And so Bella Swan

Did turn tail and run

Because in the end,

When all's said and done

It's the burn, baby, burn

That ends the relationship.

And also,

The girl was a bit of a twit.

Plus the guy needs a pulse

To turn him on,

And the girls living and

Heart-beats are quite long gone.

Eventually, though, they'll both

Be happy

B-R-E-A-K-U-P

**Why, thankyou for reading. Please review. If you want to give me a hate review, that's fine. But please, _please _be creative. If you say 'you made Edward and Bella breakup, that's not cool.' I'll reply with, 'No, that hate review was not cool, where's the _passion?'_**

**But I do also like happy reviews.**

**That is all.**

**Ocicat.**


	2. Bella returns

**I had a lot of crap uploading this chapter, but it;s done now. Enjoy. If you want to.**

Let me tell you something. There is a nothing like a woman scorned. Rumour has it Hells' fury is white bread to it's multi-grain. By which I'm not saying women's fury is more nutritious, although it might be. But it's definitely more hard core. Bella Swan-Cullen-Swan certainly knew this. Or realized it. After she got over the feeling-sorry-for-herself-isn't-Edward-missing-me-why-hasn't-he-come-back-WHERE-THE-FUCK-IS-HE? Stage. Which, characteristically, took five decades. Now, being set in the future, there are some things you need to know.

1) Hover cars have been invented. No one uses them. They're kind of crap. Really hard to turn corners and such.

2) Mexico is now a cool state. Also, a plot by New Zealand to take over the world failed. They have to make do with ruling their sheep.

3) We get our power from the core of the earth, somehow, and it is mandatory for every house in the twenty biggest nations to have solar paneled roves. People use less power. Because they felt guilty when the last polar bear died.

ANYWAY.

Apart from that, none of which is relevant to this story, the future is pretty much like now. So basically, it might as well be set in the present. But it's not.

Moving on.

So, Bella has been moping for half a century. She's been living in a run down barn in South-East England. The farmer who owns the land on which the barn is situated believes he has a fox problem. He actually has a Meyerpire problem, if you can't work that out. So one day, Bella decides that she doesn't want to mope anymore. She wants revenge. She decides to swim to America, but three years later arrives by boat. She realized you have to know the way to a place to get there by yourself after she wound up in Darwin, Australia. The animals there all had skin-pockets. Awesome for keeping trinkets in.

Off Bella goes to Forks. It looks exactly the same as when she left. Those rednecks don't like no change. Nu-uh. No, sir-rey.

She walks into the family home, not realizing that fifty years passing probably means Charlie's dead. Or in his nineties. Turns out he's in his nineties.

'I used to 'ave a daughter, looked like yoo.' He says, with his new teeth.

Because in the future you don't get dentures. You get new teeth. Not grown in rats, but, because their mouths are bigger, cats. They're called Cheshires.

'Yeah, that would be me.' Bella says to Charlie, who is sitting in the living room, watching a television that is rather unplugged. 'I haven't really aged.'

'Aw, yeah, I remember now. Youse one of them fucking vampires.' Charlie says, and smooths the wrinkles on his arms like sleeves.

'No,' Bella says, 'I'm one of those blood-sucking vampires. Where are the Cullens?'

'Cullens? Aw, yep. They come back not six months ago. Got a new two wiv 'em. A girl and a boy. _Weird_ looking kids. They don't know what they are. Vamolfman, I'd say they is. Or retards. Retards, they is. Well, not in the mind. But sure weird lookin'. They is always room temperature, them. Told me that, they did. I'd never touch them weird looking ones. Not on my life. Like me new teeth? While they being made I had to eat out of a tube. God, I miss that tube. Who the fuck are you? In my house, huh?'

'Ah,' Bella says, and backs away, towards the door. 'Bye.'

'I had a kid looked like you. Bit thick she was…'

……………………………………………………………………………………..

Bella, well, off she goes to the Cullen house. Almost. But in the streets she notices people crossing to the other footpath when she approaches, and attempting to discreetly hold their noses and breathe out of their mouths. She returns to Charlie's chouse.

Charlie has moved into the kitchen. He's trying to eat a banana through a straw. It actually has the peel on. He looks up when Bella enters, or should I say, re-enters.

'Some children,' he sighs, the way that ninety year olds do, as though they are trying to force their every disagreement with the world into the act of exhaling. 'They don't never leave home.'

'Dad, I haven't lived here in fifty years,' Bella says as Charlie rolls his eye, and stabs his banana with the straw.

'Eiy, what you doing back, 'en?'

'I haven't bathed for a few decades. People think I smell.'

Charlie narrows his eyes and sniffs in her direction.

'Bloody Hell, that's you. I changed my underpants for nothin'.'

Charlie attempts to suck up his banana (that sounds like innuendo, but it's not) with the straw.

'Why don't you just bite it, Dad?'

'Oh, God. I miss me feeding tube so damn much.' Old Charlie starts crying, so Bella goes to have a shower. An hour later she reappears, wearing some clothes she found in her room. Her hair comes down to her waist, and her attire is completely out of fashion for the late 2050's, but I won't tell you what is in fashion then. Wouldn't want to ruin the surprise.

'I'm going to the Cullen's now, Dad.' Bells says to Charlie, who's still crying about his feeding tube.

Charlie sniffs. 'Awright, but get me some beer from the store, right? Just use the rhyme "Michael Jackson's nose will never, ever decompose".'

Anything with alcohol levels of more than two percent had been banned in Washington, Mississippi, Arizona and Los Angeles in 2038. The underground business was lucrative.

'Is beer okay for someone your age?' Bella asks.

'If I can't have a feeding tube, it's my right as an American to drown my sorrows.'

'And your brain cells.'

'Auch, I ain't pretending I got none o' them left. Get thee to a nunnery, woman.' Old Charlie says dismissively.

'Don't quote Hamlet at me, you old fart.'

'Don't go being a whore, then.'

'I'm not.'

Charlie squints at Bella. 'Who the hell are you?'

Bella sighs. 'I'm going.'

And off she goes to the Cullen home. It has been greatly renovated since Bella lived there. High walls surround it and its bit of forest. The place is huge, and the glass walls have been done away with. It's turned into a large mansion with a distinct 'fuck off' vibe. In fact, until Esme cleaned it off, those very words were spray painted across the gates at the front of the property.

Spray paintings very complicated in the late 2050's, what with the ban of aerosol cans. People have to use air-spray-guns. Except they're not called air-spray-guns, as the word 'gun' is taboo. They're called air-spray-HPM's. High pressure movers.

ANYWAY.

So Bella turns up at fuck off mansion, as it's affectionately known to the town, and climbs their wall. She doesn't actually have a plan, just the words revenge revenge revenge beating in her brain in time with her non-existent pulse. It is extremely Bella not to have a plan, just an insanely irrational _feeling._

She skirts the house until she gets to the washing line, where she finds Jacob Black hanging up clothes by it. I mean on it. _By _it would be a bit stupid.

'Hi, Bella.' He says into the trees.

And Bella swears quite colourfully.

'Purpleshit pinkshit blueshit,' she says, and then runs to Jacob and hugs him.

'I've missed you so much Jakey.' She stands back to study him. He looks twenty five at most, but he's wearing his hair in the then fashionable 'grid' design. Bits of hair are strategically shaved off in a grid pattern, so the remaining short-hair is separated into lonely squares.

Bella suddenly realizes that she once kinda-sorta-not-much-enough-for-oh-you're-a-tease-not-enough-for-dating-loved Jacob. So she grabs his hand in an act of spontaneity.

'Jacob, I love you, let's run away together.'

Jacob stares at her, open mouthed, and he quite clearly has not brushed his teeth after his last meal, before frowning.

'Ah, Bella, look at my ring finger,' he says, which is not _quite _what Bella was expecting. Bella looks down to find a wedding ring.

Whoa, dudes, did _not _see that coming.

'It's dirt encased in glass,' Jacob says, fondling, I mean _handling_ the ring. 'It symbolizes forever. Cause dirt if forever.'

'Yes, I got that.' Bella snaps. I mean, _literally _snaps, as in she breaks Jacob finger. _Snaps _it. Right here, right now. Aww yeah. Actually, his pain is excruciating.

'What the _hell _was that for?'

'Who did you marry? Huh, punk? Who was it? TELL ME OR I'LL _EAT _ YOU!'

'YOU KNOW WHO! RENESME! I, I married Renesme.'

Bella widens her eyes, shocked. Whereas we all worked out who he married when he first presented the ring, didn't we? I KNOW YOU'RE RAISING YOUR HANDS!

'But Renesme's just a _baby._'

'No, you're right. I'm a complete paedophile. Bella, you're an idiot. It's been _ages. _She grew up. We've had two kids, actually. Blane and Shona. No _stupid _names like Renesme. Not that I think my wife's name is stu- actually, I do. Everyone does. _She _does. People call her Blaise now. Cause of her personality. She's like fire, baby!'

'I _hate _you,' Bella says.

'It's _kind _of a good thing I didn't agree to run away with you then.' Bella glares.

'Ah, god, don't look at me like that. It's like meeting the in laws all over again. Ah, I have to go inside, wanna come with?'

'Yes, I do,' Bella says. 'But I _hate _you.'

Jacob shrugs. 'Alright, just don't take it out on the gran-kids.'

'You have _gran_-kids?'

'No… _you _do. Blane and Shona. I mean, I would've called them Billward and…'

Jacob holds his hands in the air like he just don't care. No, actually, he does it apologetically and walks towards fuck-off mansion. Bella follows.

'So… my daughter is now Renesme Black?'

'No, I told you. She changed her name to Blaise. She's Blaise Black. She ain't Cullen no one no more.'

Bella frowns in confusion, a feeling she often experiences.

'As in Culling? Culling, Cullen? Never mind. After you, mother-in-law.'

Bella proceeds Jacob into fuck off mansion and into the living room, where Emmett Jasper, and who must be Blane and Shona are sitting.

Bella realizes that when Charlie said his great-gran-kids were weird looking, he didn't mean they had wolf claws, vampire teeth and were green. He was actually just being racist. They look like perfectly normal Native-American We-Invaded-American crosses of about twenty five.

In fact, Bella thinks, Blane's a bit hot.

For a relative.

'Hi, Bella.' Emmett says, _extremely _nonchalantly.

At that moment Edward enters the room.

'Bella?' he says, hearing Emmett. He looks at Bella before down at himself.

'Strange,' he says mockingly, 'I'm in a nightmare, yet I'm not naked.'

'Oh, ha ha,' Bella replies. 'So, have you got any _living _girlfriends, Edward?'

'At the moment I'm between girlfriends. Sandwiched, as it were. Kidding, kidding. Three-somes were _so _2040's. No girlfriends at the moment, and no more love children, either. Made myself watch a video on contraception after _that.'_

Blane speaks up from the couch, looking at Bella.

'So, _you're _my grandma.'

'_Depends _who's asking,' Bella says.

'Ah… your grandson…'

'Then, yes, I suppose I am. _Blane.' _Bella says his name in an eerily perverted way, Because he really is handsome. For a relative.

**Thankyou for reading. Just for the record, it's dedicated to Shona. and was written in purple pen, much like its co-chapter.**

**To be continued...**

**Ocicat**


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